Unseen Note - 2020

There are things I could not add in that farewell note.
But perhaps by setting them down, I can make them
Leave my head and flow into this binary code instead.
Maybe if I organize my feelings this way,
Codify, define, label and box this day,
Understanding and release can follow.
For a time, I felt I was getting closer to you,
Sharing intimate moments in relaxation,
Your willingness to engage with something,
That is so important to me, humouring me,
Even though this was all alien to you,
That was incredibly endearing, I admit.
But as lockdown passed, so did we get
Ever more distant, even while spending
More and more cumulative time together.
Surely, that must have been a sign,
That we had reached a global maximum,
And that there was nothing more in store
In any future I could attempt to foresee.
This endeavour was perhaps doomed from the start,
Too great and frustrating differences in ethos,
Too different a temperament and mentality.
And this unseen deadline looming nearer,
Which while unknown to me, was something
That you must have been very cognizant of.
What part that played if indeed any,
Or if you never even considered that,
Which has been swirling in my head,
I cannot and will probably never tell.
Maybe I just externalized my loneliness,
And assumed you were motivated,
By similar basic drives that I am,
Even though your priorities evidently
Seem to be arranged in a different pattern.
Your surprise that anyone could
Prioritize family over profession,
Was ample evidence to this effect.
And you are a hard person to read,
Keeping your inner thoughts and emotions
Ever clutched close to your chest.
Perhaps in the end my dithering,
My inability to firmly make up my mind,
As to what exactly I wanted and why,
Was ultimately a blessing of sorts,
As to firmly pursue this line of inquiry,
Would it seem, only have led to more pain.